Day 1

  CW: mentions of death, grieving, cancer, young death

I had this lovely delusion that I would plan everything out and begin this project with a bang, but life had other plans. So, once again, I find myself feverishly cranking out the words the night before the metaphorical essay is due... (At least I won't lose 5% a day if I hand this in late. One of the very few perks of being your own boss.)

What the heck is The 2557 Project?

What if you only had seven years left to live?
What would you do with them?
Where would you go?
Who would you see?
How would you spend your time?
Who would you be?
And what legacy would you want to leave?

These questions have been on my mind for months and, as I approach the twentieth anniversary of my mother's death, I cannot help thinking that everyone was right to lament that "She was so young!" when my mum died three weeks before her forty-fifth birthday.

When I was eighteen, I understood that forty-four was young to die. At the time, I understood it on an intellectual level, but all these years later, I have begun to understand it on an emotional level. As a teenager, you have no real comprehension of how young you will still feel when teenagers begin to look at you like you're supposed to know how the world works. "She was so young" hits a little harder on the other side of thirty-five when you still get carded (what the... ) and you still feel like you're trying to level yourself up to Full Adult. (I own a house, I have a smol void gremlin, keep a gigantic garden, I've voted in every election I could and have done my taxes mostly on my own since I turned 18 and I still look at others and go "How do you adult so well?!)

This month is the twentieth anniversary of her death. On the one hand, that seems wild, but on the other, all I can think now is that I have seven years until I am the age my mother died.

This probably sounds deeply depressing (be warned, I had a Midlife Crisis themed party for my twenty-second birthday… the gallows humour is my home base) but it’s really NOT depressing to me! It feels more like a call to action, a challenge.

The 2557 Project is just that. It is a challenge to myself to live more intentionally, more fearlessly, to live as though I may die three weeks before my own forty-fifth birthday. To live in a way where I would be proud of who I am if I do happen to die unexpectedly or from a sudden illness. So today, which is three weeks before my own birthday, is Day 1 of The 2557 Project.

You only live once. Long before #YOLO became a thing, I already believed that the only thing we can count on is that we have this one life we know and we ought to make the most of it.

I was not that girl who was timeless and wise. I was too full of ebullient joy and unrestrained excitement to ever be that girl but I did believe that life should be lived to its fullest, so much so that I told this to a wonderful boy I dated when I was fifteen who promptly threw it back in my face when I broke up with him a few weeks later. He accused me of being afraid of being happy.

While there were a lot of reasons I broke up with him -none of which had to do with him, interestingly- I wasn’t comfortable telling him the real reasons. He threw my words back in my face in frustration, but he was still right. I was afraid of telling him what was wrong, of trusting him, of really letting myself rely on him, and, as a result, I have never forgotten his words. I wasn't afraid of happiness, I was afraid to be vulnerable, to show weakness, to not be perfect or in control.

Too often, we chicken out of things in life out of fear or intimidation or because we don’t feel ready. (Fellow perfectionists, I have a special side-eye for you.) I have done this for years, decades now, if I’m brutally honest with myself. There are things on my bucket list that I have wanted to do since I was seven of eight, put off for years now because I will get to them eventually. I think we all sincerely plan to get to those things.

Going to New York City.
Backpacking in New Zealand.
Seeing the Taj Mahal.
Scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef.
Watching the sunset over the Grand Canyon.

I have seven years until I am the same age my mother was when she died. A few months ago that became a thought I could not unthink and so this project was born. Anything meant to span years of a person's life is a massive undertaking, and this is no exception. I expect the scope of this project to change over the course of it, but what I am setting out to do will not change: I want to live the next seven years like they might be my last.

This probably sounds a bit morbid. A bit defeatist. While I am chronically ill with an autoimmune disorder, I have been living with that for seventeen years and, as it stands, it is not anything that will kill me. I’m not expecting to die in seven years but life is short and there is too much I’ve been putting off until it’s more convenient.

My mother never made it to New York City. My sister, who died very suddenly and unexpectedly seven weeks after our mother, never saw her seventeenth birthday. She never made it to New Zealand. Neither of them saw the Taj Mahal.

Thirty years later, I still haven’t seen the Grand Canyon. I have excuses I could give you about why this is, but, at the end of the day, they would all come down to one thing: I haven’t prioritized it.

This project isn’t about travel specifically (though I love to travel and it will play a part in this project). It’s about eliminating the excuses I give myself that have stopped me doing the things I want to do, but often find most frightening.

It’s about becoming the person I keep wishing I was.
It’s about levelling up skills I have wished to have for years.
It’s about writing the books I cannot imagine leaving this world without having written.
It’s about chasing joy and having fun.
It’s about building something that will outlast me.

It’s incredibly selfish, but I don’t want to leave this world without leaving some kind of mark, even if it’s only on a few people and it dies with them.

I'm breaking the project up into seven categories and seven years.
The seven categories are:
    - 7 Things to Learn and Master
    - 7 New Countries to Visit
    - 7 Sights to See
    - 7 Books to Write
    - 7 Stunning Outfits (I sew, knit and crochet)
    - 7 Things To Celebrate
    - 7x7 - 7 Smaller Things To Do Each Year to Make Life Fun!

1. Movies to Watch
2. Books to Read
3. Winter Pieces
4. Summer Pieces
5. Ways to Make a House a Home
6. Silly Bucket List Items
7. Perfect Days Off

Obviously, I cannot do all these things with perfect regularity, especially the travel. There will be some things that get worked into my everyday life for some or all of the next seven years, and some items that will be highlights.

The years will all begin on April 17th. I realize that's a bit confusing, but the dates are significant. This project will end on April 16th, 2028, exactly three weeks before I turn 45.

I will be posting written updates here (hopefully weekly) as well as doing video updates (the video updates are intimidating as my video editing skills are, at present, non-existent) as I expand on what all of these categories mean and what you can all expect from these updates.

I will do my best to include content warnings on posts because I will discuss mental health, psychiatric issues, chronic illness, cancer, death and grieving among many other heavier topics. I loathe toxic positivity but I really do hope to be able to discuss the reality of outliving my mother and sister in a way that reflects how grateful I am to have the opportunity and the means to make some of my childhood (and slightly more recent) dreams come true over the next seven years!

Until next time, stay safe, be kind, and most of all,
lovelovelove,
Merise